mercoledì 11 settembre 2024

Magic in the moonlight - 2014

 This is very nice, I liked it, well done and well acted by everyone. Sure, I wasn’t very fond of the inevitable love story at the end, which is kind of the whole plot, but other than that I really liked it.

Also it was really cute visually: scenery, costumes, vehicles, colours, it was all charming.

The plot:

It’s something like the 1920s. Stanley is a magician, but not many people know that because he has an on-stage-persona and its Chinese, with heavy makeup. He’s very successful and tours the world.

Howard is a childhood friend who always shared his passion, but he never achieved such fame. 

Stanley is totally rational, to him everybody who thinks that such things as mediums and powers to contact the dead and such other supernatural gifts are real is simply an idiot.

Stanley only believes in what’s rational, what you can see.

More than once he has uncovered the truth behind some self-proclaimed sensitive, and now Howard goes to meet him after his show in Berlin to tell him that there is a girl, a young pretty American thing, who convinced a wealthy family that she’s the real deal, that she has supernatural powers, that her ‘mental vibrations’ are extraordinary. Howard says he’s tried any way he could think of but has failed to prove how she does her tricks, so he asks Stanley to do it, since he’s so much better… Stanley is really, really conceited, and easily accepts convinced that even if his friend couldn’t understand, he sure will.

He’s also quite rude, having no problem showing clearly what he thinks of people that believe all that stuff, and what he believes of this girl and her powers. Everyone can see how skeptical he is, he makes no mystery of it, even to her.


The real mystery is how and why does this girl fall in love with this guy, who never shows any interest in her at all, and is also rather unflattering and rude and even unpleasant, one might say.


He is intrigued when she speaks of him having connections to a weird Chinese man, of his travels abroad and Berlin in particular, and also when she mentions water and death in relations to a dead uncle of his who drowned… but still he does not believe, he knows it’s not possible.

But then, he takes this Sophie to see his beloved aunt Vanessa, and Sophie can tell them all about the sad love story Vanessa had with a married man who could not leave his wife and so Vanessa never married…  :-/

After that, it’s like someone pressed a switch in him, and now Stanley is all mad for her, and even calls the journalists to tell them that she’s the real deal, that he was wrong before. He makes a big deal out of it, pictures and journalists with questions… he didn’t waste any time either, he did it right away. But then, his aunt Vanessa has a car accident and under surgery, apparently. For a moment he thinks that should the worst happen, he would still have Sophie to help him contact his dear aunt, so he wouldn’t lose her, and he even starts praying out loud (being alone in the waiting room of the clinic). 

It doesn’t last long that he hears himself and realises what he is doing, and he can’t accept that, he does not believe that there is someone out there who listens to prayers and performs miracles, he only believes in the here and now, what you see is what you get, and after coming back to himself about the prayers, it’s the same about Sophie. He realises now that she cannot be the ‘real deal’, because such a thing is not possible, and therefore sets out to unmask her.

He doesn’t reveal the truth to Sophie and Howard when he next sees them, on the contrary he pretends to still believe in her powers and pretends to leave, but he’s a magician, so he goes out one way and he will reappear on the other side of the room, quietly sitting on a chair, listening to what they say to each other. Sophie asks Howard if he has any regrets, but Howard doesn’t. He resents that although they grew up together with the same dream, practiced the same way and the same amount of time, and acquired the same skill at the same level, Stanley got famous and he didn’t. 

Howard is quite happy that he finally got one over the great Stanley Crawford, but then Stanley reveals that he’s right there, hearing everything. 

Sophie tells him that he can’t possibly know that it was only the doctors saving Vanessa, and that prayers had no relevance at all, since he was not the only one praying for her, and that he was happy when he thought it was true, when he believed, and that after all they didn’t do anything really terrible, just a prank, but Stanley does not forgive them, does not forgive her. He leaves.

Stanley can’t stop thinking about it. Sophie was so different from him, light and carefree, positive. 

Stanley has a fiancee in England, Olivia, who is a beautiful, smart woman, very rational, very organised, the perfect woman for him, he always thought. But now he can’t stop thinking of Sophie’s face. 

He admits to his aunt that he might feel something for her, that he might be in love, that he might want to marry her, and that he should therefore hurry up because she just accepted Brice’s proposal, the rich son of the woman she tricked into believing they can communicate with her late husband.

Stanley goes to Sophie and his proposal, if it actually was one, is much much worse than when he played Mr Darcy :lol: 

Not once he talks about love, he doesn’t say nice things about her, nothing. He’s quite affronted when she up and leaves him behind.

Stanley goes back to Vanessa to complain that Sophie refused him, that there’s nothing to do anymore, that he loves her so much but she doesn’t want him, and stuff like that, but of course Sophie is there to hear him and accepts now, and they kiss.


Why would she fall for such a rude man? Who kept calling her inferior, saying she was nothing? 

That’s what I didn’t like, there was no reason at all, other than she thought he was cute. And he is, sure, but that’s not enough, there’s more than one cute face in the world.


It’s no laugh-out-loud movie, of course, but it has a quiet humour in the dialogues.


















Jurassic world - Fallen kingdom - 2018

 


A big toy movie, maybe better than the previous one but it didn’t win my heart, no.

It’s been three years since everything that happened on that island, and there are surviving dinosaurs there. The local volcano is about to destroy the island, Ian Malcolm thinks we shouldn’t do anything about it, but Claire wants to save the animals. Super rich Benjamin Lockwood calls her, he started it all with Hammond before they had a fall down and now he wants to save them and bring them all to a safe refuge. Mills works for him, Lockwood is old and not in good health, so he can basically do what he wants. 

He sends Claire, Owen and two others on the island with a bunch of men (soldiers, mercenaries, whatever, men who work for him).

Mills’ own agenda is to capture the dinosaurs and sell them. He also got the dna of the Indomitus Rex from his bones, and Dr Wu creates the Indoraptor, a sort of weapon because it has the intelligence of Blu, the raptor that grew a relationship with Owen. 

… well, how can it be all grown up already, since Blue just arrived with the others? Am I missing something here_


Our squad is left behind to die on the island with the remaining dinosaurs (they only took one per species) but they manage to free themselves and board the ship with nobody noticing anything…

They even reach the Lockwood mansion, and only then they’re caught, captured and put in a cell… and left there, even though Mills’ words make you think he’ll want them dead. So why the wait? Ah yes, because the heroes are lucky. So lucky that one little dinosaur opens the cell for them, head-butting it.

There’s a big auction where rich people pay millions upon millions of dollars for each dinosaur, until the little goat-dinosaur gets there and starts head-butting people left and right.

The man in charge of retrieving the dinosaurs enjoyed taking one tooth from each of them, quite cruelly, but the Indoraptor is genetically smarter and it pretends to be asleep, so when the man walks into the cage to get the tooth, he gets eaten and the Indoraptor is free.

It starts hunting, first Maisy then Owen, until Blue arrives to help him and the Indoraptor is killed on other dinosaurs’ bones from the sort of museum in the house.

Maisy is Ben’s granddaughter who  has never known her mom, she’s never even seen a picture; Ben is so naive as to confront Mills alone and even expects him to obey and turn himself in… unbelievable. Of course Mills doesn’t, instead he kills Lockwood.

Maisy later finds him dead, and sees a picture of her mother who looks just like her. Mills tells us why: the reason Lockwood and Hammond parted ways. Lockwood missed his dead daughter so he brought her back with genetics, meaning Maisy is her clone, not her daughter. 

There’s some toxic gas that will kill all the animals trapped there, and Claire and Owen are very much conflicted on what to do, but it’s Maisy who opens the door so they go out free.

The remaining bad guys are killed now.

Blue ‘says’ her goodbye to Owen but has no intention of entering a cage anytime soon, and instead runs free like the others.

Now they’re here, not in a remote secluded island, and people will have to live with it.

Ian Malcolm once again talks about the changes humans are bringing upon our world, genetics is going too far, it has already.

There’s no turning back.


(I’m not actually sure about the dinosaurs already sold; the buyers - and sellers - are dead now, but we saw them being delivered in big trucks now, right? 


Owen-Chris Pratt

Claire - Bryce Dallas Howard

Eli Mills - Rafe Spall

Benjamin Lockwood  - James Cromwell

Mr Eversoll - Toby Jones

Ian Malcolm - Jeff Goldblum

Dr Wu - BD Wong

Iris - Geraldine Chaplin


ITA Jurassic world Il regno distrutto


















The legend of Hercules - 2014

It wasn't bad, it was nice enough actually. I didn't particularly like the ending, but all in all a good enough movie. 


Arrived inside the city, Amphitryon challenges the king and wins, easily too. The city of Argos was no threat and no enemy though. His wife, the queen Alcmene is not happy, she had thought she could change him once (really, girl, that never ever works), and make him more human but he only cares about wars and power.

She prays and Goddess Hera listens to her. Alcmene accepts to bear the son of Zeus, and he’ll be named Hercules.

The king sort of witnesses the end of the conception and of course he thinks his wife cheated, but there’s no man he can find. He names the baby Alcides.

Twenty years later, Alcides/Hercules and Princess Hebe love each other, but she’s to marry his brother, the first-born, the jealous guy who publicly insulted him in front of Hebe and all their parents and even took credit of Hercules’ win against a Nemean lion, thought unkillable.

Now his mother reveals the truth to him: “you are Hercules, gift of Hera, son of Zeus”, but he doesn’t believe her.

The king sends Alcides to Egypt with a small number of soldiers. Most of them die before Alcides or captain Sotiris even know anything happened. The few that remained, it seems like it’s twenty or so, fight like Romans but all soldiers die but Alcides and Sotiris who are kept alive in order to be sold.

Alcides says he’s Hercules and word is sent home that prince Alcides is dead.

The two women cry desperately.

Our two men are marked and sold for labour, but Hercules promises Sotiris they’ll be back home before the wedding in three months. They row, they fight, they kill. And together they convince their owner to go to Greece.

Alcmene tells Amphitryon about Zeus, her only ever loveer, to end his reign, and he kills her.

Hercules and Sotiris arrive in Greece to fight in their big big event. Sotiris was injured though so Hercules fights alone against six undefeated Greeks.

He wins; meanwhile Sotiris is regrouping loyal men to rally against the king and his heir.

But Hercules must accept who he is first. 

Hebe wanted to kill herself but Chiron stops her and she’s reunited with Hercules.

The king and his son want them dead. They kill Sotiris’ men and wife, and to spare his son he gives them Hercules’ location.

Hercules is whipped publicly and has to watch his brother kill Chiron.

Now finally Hercules accepts Zeus and asks for his strength so he frees himself before Sotiris is killed too. He still has four divisions of men on his side to take back their kingdom.

When Hercules challenges the king, he does not accept and sends men forward.

Zeus helps Hercules and now he has lightning protruding from his sword.

Once finally against the king, he fights as a man. He is winning when his brother arrives with Hebe at knife-point. She wants to save him so she uses that knife to stab herself and maybe wound him who is behind her.

Hercules resumes his fight with Amphitryon and wins.

It seemed that Hebe died in his arms, but then we see her delivering their child, they’re a family and he’s now the king, and smiling.


Hercules - Kellan Lutz

Hebe - Gaia Weiss

King Amphitryon - Scott Adkins

Iphicles - Liam Garrigan

Sotiris - Liam McIntyre

Chiron - Rade Serbedzija

Lucius - Kenneth Granham


ITA Hercules-la leggenda ha inizio













Footloose - 1984

 


It’s not bad, it’s a nice testament of its era.


During the initial song, we see feet dancing, one person a time. 

We hear right away what it’s about, we see a small town and hear a sermon, and see that the church is packed full. The pastor preaches against rock and porn as evils.

Ren and his mother are new in town, and right away he appears to dislike that stiff attitude. His father left them.

The reverend’s daughter Ariel is quite wild too when he doesn’t see her, in a out-of-her-mind way that gives her friends a heart attack.

When her dad busts her swaying to rock music, he looks more hurt/shocked than angry, though.

Ren befriends Willard and tells him about his life in the big city, Chicago, full of dancing.

He thinks they’re joking when they tell him that dancing is illegal here.

Some kids died in a car wreck five or six year before, and people went crazy blaming music and dancing and liquor (liquor is often a problem, but dancing has no relation to it, kids don’t drink ‘because’ of the music and dancing, kids drink because adults and television have taught them that’s what adults do, what adults have to do to have fun.

Ariel spends her time playing tough, being wild with Chuck and dreaming of going away.

Everyone in town - all adults at least - is against Ren, thinking he’s trouble, and it frustrates him, so he… goes out alone and dances by himself, the rebel!!!

Ariel shows him a place where they wrote quotes from forbidden books.

It really annoys Ren that everyone is against him, without him doing anything to earn it. So he takes Ariel and her friend Rusty plus Willard and they go dancing. Luckily he has friends.

The reverend started the whole thing because one of the kids that died was Ariel’s brothter, but the other men are now worse than him.

Ren is planning a prom dance. He teaches Willard to dance and will have to speak to the town council for permission. He presents a good argument, if a little bit aggressive, but it’s good for television.

He’s denied, of course, but then his boss suggests he do it in the next city. The city itself may be far away, but the border is very near, very very close indeed.

Ren is not against the reverend, even goes to his house to ask to take Ariel to the prom.

The reverend talks about the dance in church, about the warehouse they got permission to use for the prom dance, but is not condemning and talks about trusting one’s kids.

So they dress up and have their ball… and it’s all nice until some bullies arrive to fight. Ren and Willard beat them up once then go in and dance, and… it’s the end. The bullies do not go back in, and who cares about tomorrow, this was about the dance after all.


Ren - Kevin Bacon

Willard - Christopher Penn

Rusty - Sarah Jessica Parker

Ariel - Lori Singer

Rev. Shaw Moore - John Lithgow

Vi Moore - Dianne Wiest




sabato 31 agosto 2024

Godzilla 2 King of the monsters - 2019

 


I could have really liked this film without the Mark character, but as it is, I only half liked it and have no desire to go through all his scenes again so I won’t be watching it again.


It starts with post-apocalypse scenes from S.Francisco 2014, it seems Godzilla wrecked the city, and a family lost a child.

Godzilla has not been seen again, but a group called Monarch kills lots of animals in its search for Godzilla or other Titan creatures like him. 

This not-so-secret coalition has been studying the titans, and a part of the government pushes to kill all the creatures.

Now: Madison lives with her mom, while her dad is in a ‘safe place’; later we’ll see that he’s taking pictures of wild animals.

Mom works in a Monarch outpost in China. A ‘monster’ is born under their eyes, Mothra they call it, but right away their containment system fails. Someone shoots, the creature panics and mom goes near with her own invention, a thing that finds and sends the right frequency to calm the creature down. Maddie even pets it, the absurdity.

Anyway. Right then, armed men arrive and shoot almost everyone. Lead by Jonah, they take Emma and Madison away. 

Dr Serizawa is against the military killing all the titans. He goes to tell Mark about his family being captured and asks for his help, and instead of saying Let’s go now he wastes time complaining that the Orca project should not even exist. He thought it was destroyed but after San Francisco Emma built it again, a better one designed for the titans.

There are 17 titans that they know, that they have found. 

After the tragedy, Emma reacted doubling her efforts to save the world, Mark got into drinking.

Now Mark is all for killing all the creatures, contrary to Emma and Serizawa who think some of them are good, they’re part of the world order.

Jonah wants Emma to communicate with Monster Zero. Godzilla moves closer to Mark and all the others prepare to shoot but he ‘orders’ to stand down and they obey…

Godzilla moves forward, heading to Antarctica where Emma is. Mark goes to ‘free’ Emma and Madison, but they don’t go with him. Instead, Emma wakes up Monster Zero, a huge creature with three dragon heads. Godzilla arrives to attack it. It’s all rather confusing, but Mark comes out of it alive, of course. People who worked with her can’t believe Emma did it, but Mark saw her. 

Then Emma calls them, explaining why she did it. Because humans are ruining this world. It’s now overpopulated, full of pollution and war, but the Titans are the rightful rulers of the world, “part of the Earth’s natural defence system”, to maintain the balance. She says they will not destroy humanity, they will save the world.

This was all her plan, she approached Jonah, she wants to wake all the creatures. 

Rodan, a winged Titan, is next. It comes out of a volcano.  A squadron of planes is destroyed, but they make it because Monster Zero arrives and they fight each other.

The military sends a missile called Oxygen Destroyer…

Serizawa wanted to have faith in Godzilla (Gojira, he says) and yes, when Monster Zero is about to kill them, Godzilla stops it. They fight. The missile hits, killing every creature in the water but not Monster Zero, of course. 

Godzilla is hurt a lot, though , maybe dead.

Now all the creatures wake up, one out of the sand in Arizona, one from a mountain in Germany, they all wake without Emma doing anything. 

Now Madison is angry at her mom.

Dr Chen, I think, has an idea, she thinks that Monster Zero is the Ghidorah of Legends, that he’s not part of this world, a hydra that came from somewhere else.

Everywhere in the world, Titans are causing havoc because they follow the alpha’s lead, Ghidorah, and if they stop him they stop them all.

And Godzilla, who could do it, has been almost killed by them.

Emma now wants to stop it all, because without Godzilla there won’t be a new balance, only destruction. Maddie hears her and wants to do it. 

Mothra is awake and like a butterfly, she’s Queen of the Monsters. 

Mark tells them to help Godzilla with nuclear weapons. 

Maddie grabs some stuff plus the Orca and goes out. She’s in Boston. She activates and amplifies the Orca’s signal, and all creatures calm down.

Mark’s group wants to help Godzilla, but of course there was some damage, so the nuclear weapons cannot be launched, and Serizawa volunteers to pilot the ship with the ‘nukes’ to Godzilla.

He puts them down manually, walks up to touch Godzilla waiting for the bomb to explode. 

It works and Godzilla is recharged. 

Monster Zero attacks where Maddie is, but Godzilla saves her. Mark’s people join the fight shooting Ghidorah.

Godzilla now is stuffed full of radiation. As they land, they find the Orca right away, but not Maddie. Mothra arrives to help Godzilla.

Emma finds them and goes home - they have a home in Boston, guessing that Maddie is there.

Rodan attacks Mothra and fails.

The house is destroyed, Maddie saved herself by hiding inside the bathtub.

Ghidorah flies Godzilla up high and lets him fall, and then bites him.

Emma too sacrifices herself to bring Ghidorah away from the others. (So, the Orca did not call Ghidorah, instead it was Ghidorah going after it to destroy it…)

Fully charged and up again, Godzilla fights Ghidorah and his radiations burn Ghidorah.

Ghidorah is tough, but Godzilla kills it.

All other Titans bow to Godzilla now as their Alpha leader. The end.

At the beginning of the credits, we see that all Monarch files got online and also many news reports :

“titans returning to natural environments” , “Over sixty years of giant monster files” , “Rodan nesting in volcano north of Fiji”, “mysterious rainforest blooms in Sahara desert”, “strange new life appears after titan activity”, and “Godzilla’s path through Pacific bringing life back to Reefs, restoring fish population” 

Another titans radiations have rapid growth effects on fauna of Amazon, and Scylla slows ice-melt in Antarctica, the eco-systems heal, maybe a Mothra egg was found… but no news on Mothra herself, so Ghidorah killed her? :sob: 

At the end of the credits, we see that Jonah has found one of the heads of Ghidorah, and takes it.


Dr Mark Russell - Kyle Chandler

Dr Emma Russell - Vera Farmiga

Madison Russell - Millie Bobby Brown

Dr Ishiro Serizawa - Ken Watanabe

Dr  Chen and Dr Ling - Ziyi Zhang

Dr Rick Stanton - Bradley Whitford

Alan Jonah - Charles Dance

Admiral - David Strathairn

The cast list ends with : 

Godzilla - Himself

King Ghidorah - Himself

Mothra - Herself

Rodan - Himself








Jurassic Park - 1993

 Very entertaining like a big toy, and back then it was a big deal, the visuals were amazing, and of course being the 90s there were children that knew computers like second nature. 

Now there’s so many kids who don’t know a thing about them, used as they are to quick apps.

Anyway, this is for entertainment value, and that’s all there is to it.


Alan and Ellie are working when John Hammond arrives on his helicopter, he’s been funding their work so they can’t just ignore him or send him on his way. He tells them that “I own an Island off the coast of Costa Rica” and that he set up “a kind of biological preserve” and now he’s got pressure because he has investors too and “they insist on outside opinions” so he wants the best in various areas. They’re not eager at first, but the power of money is huge. 

We’re shown at this point where the troubles will begin, because we see a man planning something for the next day, to smuggle embryos out or something.

Malcolm insists on being called a Chaotician, because he constantly talks about the Chas Theory, and apparently has three kids and no wife.

On the island, the cars have “Jurassic Park” on the doors. 

They don’t even look around, it’s only when Hammond stops the car that they see the gigantic dinosaurs for the first time. The dinosaurs have been cloned, from blood preserved in mosquitos, preserved in amber, and then computers and experts completed the dna code. They witness one hatching from its egg. Every animal in the park has been created a female so they can’t procreate. 

Malcolm tries to tell the that “life will not be contained, life breaks free” meaning that “life finds a way” but they listen to him with scorn. 

They created carnivores too, even raptors.

Ian insists that what they’re doing is dangerous. Hammond is shocked that they don’t share his enthusiasm, but Ellie is worried about the poisonous plants too.

Hammond’s two grandkids come to visit, making Alan uncomfortable because he doesn’t like kids (but Ellie wants one).

Well, the tour on the cars is not that great since not many dinosaurs stay on display, animals hide from humans and cars, is what they do.

The car doors are not locked though, so they get out and wander around, seeing a sick triceratops.

A big storm is coming, but it seems this is Dennis only chance to smuggle that stuff, so he goes on with it, he stops all security stuff so he can drive to reach the boat before it sails away.

It should be for 15, 18 minutes, and a lot can happen in 18 minutes. It’s night and it’s raining a lot; the cars aren’t moving of course, all power has been cut off, and they get close to the T-Rex. it attacks the car with the two children, Alan and Ian help them and the T-Rex eats the lawyer Donald who hid in a toilet.

it’s all rather pointless since Dennis is such a moron that he can’t drive in the rain, he has two accidents, and then he breaks his glasses and then he gets eaten by a dinosaur, the one with the fan-neck.

Alan saves the little girl, and then the little boy stuck inside the car high up on a tree.

Ellie and a security man find the injured Ian and look for Alan but then they have to escape because a T-Rex is running after them while they drive away.

At least it’s not raining anymore. Malcolm is brought to safety.

John still thinks of his next try, how he’ll fix this.

Alan finds dinosaurs eggs, because Ian was right, life will find a way, and the amphibian dna they used allowed the animals to chance sex and reproduce.

Many fences are down and animals are free.

They shut down the system and Ellie turns the power back on. Arnold is dead, she only found a severed arm.

The kid Timmy was still touching the fence when the power went back on, but Alan revives him with CPR. He brings the children where they should be safe, the dining area, but velociraptors are inside.

Young Lex is a hacker, she knows their system and she manages to reboot the system so phones work now, along with everything else.

They’re saved by the T-Rex who comes in and eats the raptors so they escape. Hammond drives there with Malcolm, they get in the car and they all go to the helicopter that will bring them out.

What about all the scientists and workers of the park? It’s just them in the helicopter, and I see only one before the credits arrive… it always bothers me that they don’t even spend a single word about the others, no explanation, nothing, they’re either all dead and nobody cares, or simply left to their destiny…


Dr Alan Grant (archeologist) - Sam Neill

Dr Ellie Sattler (paleobotanist) - Laura Dern

Dr Ian Malcolm 8matematician) - Jeff Goldblum

Hammond - Richard Attemborough

Arnold - Samuel L. Jackson

















The Lost city - 2022

 It wasn’t bad, I enjoyed it enough, but it wasn’t great or something worth watching again.

Mainly because the ‘meaningful moments’ when they stop and talk seriously to bring depth to the otherwise silly story, were not really good, they were just very very boring actually.

Sandra Bullock was nice as always, although there was something weird about her, I hope she didn’t do anything to her face, like fill her cheekbones or something, I don’t know, it just seemed weird at moments.

No matter though, she was lovely as she always is, and my main reason to watch this movie.

Tatum has his best role here, Radcliffe was really good and Pitt’s scenes were great, but he was in it for very little.

Plot:

Loretta writes romance books where her characters have adventures a-la Indiana Jones. She started because nobody was interested in books about archeology so she added a bit of romance and sex.

Alan is the model for all her covers, and very handsome of course. When she promotes a book, people come to see him without his shirt, not her.

The fact that she’s rather conceited may be another reason for it.

Sure, they say that her husband died - not sure when, maybe even before she started writing? They had adventures together) and that now she feels kinda low, only wants to drink wine in the bath and not see anyone, but that does not really excuse her attitude towards people who buy her books. She does not want to do promotion, only does a bit of it because forced into it, and she treats Alan like an idiot. He’s not educated like she is, but not knowing latin and stuff makes him ignorant, not an idiot.

Anyway, Abigail Fairfax is jealous of his brothers (Beverly and Leslie, if I’m not mistaken, three brothers, must have hated their parents growing up), so he wants to find a hidden treasure to bring glory to himself.

He has lots of money but so far all the success has been his brothers and father’s. He wants his share, and has bought half an island to look for the Crown of Fire.

Loretta’s latest book also talks about it, and Abigail realises many of the things she wrote in it are real, she knows about it and knows the ‘language’. So , he kidnaps her to translate a bit of ‘writing’ and find the location of the crown.

Alan saw when they took her away, so he asks Jack Trainer for help. He’s trained and easily finds her, but shortly after they take her away from Abigail’s camp, Jack’s shot in the head, Alan’s face gets covered in blood and brain matter. So now it’s up to the two of them to escape.

Alan is of course in love with her, who knows why given how she treats him, but now that they’re forced together they get to know each other and she starts to see his good sides too.

Obviously.

Still, they get found out a lot because she’s wearing a glittery thing in a lilac colour that is very noticeable. Alan gets understandably upset when he discovers that she stole that bit of ‘writing’ of Abigail, she’s thinking about finding it herself.

The next day they reach a village. Yes! There is one! It’s not a deserted island then. 

They tell the police about Fairfax and actually think that’s the end of him, come on, with all his money?

Somehow Loretta now has a dress she can change into, and she dances with Alan.

A local woman sings a traditional song and Loretta understands where the treasure is.

Abigail kidnaps her again, Alan follows her bravely if a bit clumsily.

(Did he really have a Bulgari watch? How much do they pay him for a book cover?)

Loretta sets the car on fire but it doesn’t stop them. Really, she just saw a man smoking a cigar, she had a drink of alcohol, and when she threw it in his lap it all caught fire, as if by magic. In 2022 they could try to avoid this nonsense, or everyone smoking and drinking would just combust from the inside.

Anyway.

With a boat they reach the secret place and find the tomb they were looking for, not a place where the king could be adored and remembered like Abigail believed, but a secluded place where the queen could mourn his passing.

There is no treasure inside, only the bones of the king and queen - … ok, nice image, the bones in a hugging position, but he died first. They clearly said that he died and she mourned him. So how did she come to be in that position?It would be bad enough to imagine her entering the bomb and hugging his corpse or bones waiting her death, but it was sealed and she went there alone to mourn him in peace, so how could anybody put her there? Maybe back then the place was not really a secret, maybe her people knew about it and when she died they put them together… yes, it must be, quite nice actually, it shows her people cared about them.

Anyway, the Crown is made of shells, not jewels.

Apparently her man kept giving her one of these beautiful red shells every day until the day she accepted him and the shells became her crown.

It looks more like a wig than a crown, but it’s all very metaphorical. The only treasure was their love.

Abigail of course is furious that he spent so much time and money and effort and all for nothing, so he wants to leave them there to die.

They have a bit of help fro, Abigail’s last man there and manage to escape.

The three of them are rescued by Beth, Loretta’s publicist come to save her.

Fairfax tries to escape but he’s stopped. We’re led to believe that he’ll be arrested… yeah, right.

So, everything ends well, her next book is about this adventure of course, and she’s now with Alan. The end.

They should have kept the adventure and removed all the unnecessary, unrelated speeches that were so forced they were annoying instead of funny.


p.s. At the end we see that Jack Trainer is still alive, because humans only use 10% of his brain, so… and I did not laugh myself silly at that, but someone actually did :D


Loretta Sage - Sandra Bullock

Alan - Channing Tatum

Abigail - Daniel Radcliff

Jack Trainer - Brad Pitt