This might be the worst superhero movie I’ve ever seen… and to those who take a look at the cast and smirk at the Schwarzy name, he’s definitely not the worst thing in here! Actually, he’s just what you expect, no more no less, it’s the rest that it’s terrible. If forced to find something good in it I can only say that Clooney’s cute and Ivy’s makeup is very cool. Can’t think of anything else. And that’s definitely not enough.
First of all, I don’t like Robin, and the first lines of the movie set you right in what the movie will be: they dress up, Batman (George Clooney) prepares to leave with the car and Robin (Chris O’Donnell) says “I want a car” sounding very much like a child, and adds “chicks dig cars” sounding very much like a stupid kid. Batman answers “this is why Superman works alone”… which is supposed to be funny, but nothing really is in this movie because every line sounds so fake, everyone in here speaks in the same way, like they never rehearsed once, someone simply told them ‘stand there and say this”, in a parrot-like manner, or worse, in a mocking-actor kind of way - you know, the voice you make when you mock dramatic acting by putting your arm over your eyes declaring lines in an exaggerated way… that’s how they all speak.
They are told that someone calling himself Mr Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is robbing the museum - he wants a very, very big diamonds, because apparently his freezing machines consume diamonds…
It’s all very silly, the minions using ice-skates and hockey-sticks, Freeze freezing a dinosaur instead of them (why??) and leaving on a rocket only to launch himself out after freezing Batman’s wrists (why just the wrists?). Robin saves Batman and they launch out too, looking like Silver Surfer, only not as cool.
A mad scientist, Dr Woodrue (John Glover) creates not a supersoldier, but a super-killing-machine making experiments using plants venom and murderers condemned to the death penalty. He creates Bane, but when the other scientist working there sees it all and refuses to join him calling him a psycho, he reacts badly to rejection and kills her. She had an obsession on protecting plants from extinction, and was trying to create plants that could fight back and survive. Killed in her lab, under lots of plants and venoms, she comes back as Poison Ivy. Obviously the scientist had a dirty look about her, all messy and unattractive, while Ivy is like Jessica Rabbit, because that’s how it always works :-/
Ivy (Uma Thurman) has a poisonous kiss and kills Woodrue, and destroys her lab, who knows why.
Freeze was a nobel prize winner for medicine, obsessed with finding a cure for his sick wife, when he fell into something and came out as Freeze.
They’re the two villains of the movie, only they have very different goals: Freeze wants enough diamond-power to freeze the city in order to blackmail them because he needs money to find the cure, while Ivy wants to kill everyone on the planet and replace them with her carnivorous, mutated plants. Her personal way to save the planet.
As if this wasn’t enough, there is more: Barbara (Alicia Silverstone) comes to the Wayne house to meet her uncle Alfred. After her parents died she started doing illegal and dangerous bike-races.
Alfred (Michael Gough) is dying, and there are a few scenes to show the Alfred-Bruce bond over the years, the way he raised him like a son, which is a nice thought wasted in a terrible movie.
When he’s not Batman, Clooney makes all the tilting-of-the-head, sparkling-eyes movements that are his trademark.
Ivy uses pheromone dust to get men to do what she wants, and Robin starts acting dumb, like “she loves me not you and you can’t stand that” :what is he, 16?? The actor was what, 26, 27? The character seems more like a capricious teenager!
Let’s not even talk about the Batman-credit-card, let’s just draw a veil over that, please.
The story continues: Batman captures Freeze, Ivy and Bane free him. Ivy deactivates the wife’s life support system to kill her and tells him Batman did it. Together they plan to freeze the whole city, and then the whole world.
Alfred gets worse, think he’s dying, and he gives a disk to Barbara telling her to find his brother because “only family can be trusted” and he adds “I implore you never to open it”: first thing she does as she leaves his room is to open it, which proves that his family can NOT be trusted. She tries lots of passwords until she finds the right one, Peg, her mother Margaret’s nickname. She learns everything about Batman and Robin, goes down to their cave where she sees that Alfred put his “brain algorithm” into the “batcomputer” to create a simulation that recognizes her, saying that he anticipated she’d want to help B&R (so shy did he even try to prevent her from opening the disk?) and Alfred also made a batcostume for her *sigh*
Costumes that are so tight, by the way, that one wonders where they could possibly hide the countless gadgets they use: bombs, hooks, the lasers, plus the gadgets to cut things, to heat things.... they definitely look like different gadgets, which they sometime leave carelessly behind, not just one Swiss-army-knife-kind-of-gadget..
Barbara bursts in to save B&R from Ivy with a girl-on-girl fight, calls herself Batgirl of course, and proves to be a computer-genius when she only needs a second to align the world satellites to defrost the city :-/
It turns out that everything you needed to defeat Bane was to pull out the tube attached to the back of his head: all the venom came out, he turned back small… and the bat-kids just left him there where he was, and we know nothing more of him… but wasn’t he a murderer to start with?? :-/
Batman proves to Freeze that Ivy deactivated his wife, but tells him that he activated her again and she’s still alive as he left her, and that he could continue his research and save her… this is because, who can guess, Alfred has the same rare disease! Only on the first stage, so Freeze has a cure for him right there and gives him to Batman, and he saves Alfred! What a coincidence!
We see Ivy in a cell doing he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not with a flower, which is not a good thing for someone who wants to protect plants. Freeze shows up as her cellmate, in revenge-mode, but we see no more of them…
The end: Batman and the Bat-kids running in the dark, hero-like-mode :-/
Seriously??? :-//
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