The Lost city - 2022

 It wasn’t bad, I enjoyed it enough, but it wasn’t great or something worth watching again.

Mainly because the ‘meaningful moments’ when they stop and talk seriously to bring depth to the otherwise silly story, were not really good, they were just very very boring actually.

Sandra Bullock was nice as always, although there was something weird about her, I hope she didn’t do anything to her face, like fill her cheekbones or something, I don’t know, it just seemed weird at moments.

No matter though, she was lovely as she always is, and my main reason to watch this movie.

Tatum has his best role here, Radcliffe was really good and Pitt’s scenes were great, but he was in it for very little.

Plot:

Loretta writes romance books where her characters have adventures a-la Indiana Jones. She started because nobody was interested in books about archeology so she added a bit of romance and sex.

Alan is the model for all her covers, and very handsome of course. When she promotes a book, people come to see him without his shirt, not her.

The fact that she’s rather conceited may be another reason for it.

Sure, they say that her husband died - not sure when, maybe even before she started writing? They had adventures together) and that now she feels kinda low, only wants to drink wine in the bath and not see anyone, but that does not really excuse her attitude towards people who buy her books. She does not want to do promotion, only does a bit of it because forced into it, and she treats Alan like an idiot. He’s not educated like she is, but not knowing latin and stuff makes him ignorant, not an idiot.

Anyway, Abigail Fairfax is jealous of his brothers (Beverly and Leslie, if I’m not mistaken, three brothers, must have hated their parents growing up), so he wants to find a hidden treasure to bring glory to himself.

He has lots of money but so far all the success has been his brothers and father’s. He wants his share, and has bought half an island to look for the Crown of Fire.

Loretta’s latest book also talks about it, and Abigail realises many of the things she wrote in it are real, she knows about it and knows the ‘language’. So , he kidnaps her to translate a bit of ‘writing’ and find the location of the crown.

Alan saw when they took her away, so he asks Jack Trainer for help. He’s trained and easily finds her, but shortly after they take her away from Abigail’s camp, Jack’s shot in the head, Alan’s face gets covered in blood and brain matter. So now it’s up to the two of them to escape.

Alan is of course in love with her, who knows why given how she treats him, but now that they’re forced together they get to know each other and she starts to see his good sides too.

Obviously.

Still, they get found out a lot because she’s wearing a glittery thing in a lilac colour that is very noticeable. Alan gets understandably upset when he discovers that she stole that bit of ‘writing’ of Abigail, she’s thinking about finding it herself.

The next day they reach a village. Yes! There is one! It’s not a deserted island then. 

They tell the police about Fairfax and actually think that’s the end of him, come on, with all his money?

Somehow Loretta now has a dress she can change into, and she dances with Alan.

A local woman sings a traditional song and Loretta understands where the treasure is.

Abigail kidnaps her again, Alan follows her bravely if a bit clumsily.

(Did he really have a Bulgari watch? How much do they pay him for a book cover?)

Loretta sets the car on fire but it doesn’t stop them. Really, she just saw a man smoking a cigar, she had a drink of alcohol, and when she threw it in his lap it all caught fire, as if by magic. In 2022 they could try to avoid this nonsense, or everyone smoking and drinking would just combust from the inside.

Anyway.

With a boat they reach the secret place and find the tomb they were looking for, not a place where the king could be adored and remembered like Abigail believed, but a secluded place where the queen could mourn his passing.

There is no treasure inside, only the bones of the king and queen - … ok, nice image, the bones in a hugging position, but he died first. They clearly said that he died and she mourned him. So how did she come to be in that position?It would be bad enough to imagine her entering the bomb and hugging his corpse or bones waiting her death, but it was sealed and she went there alone to mourn him in peace, so how could anybody put her there? Maybe back then the place was not really a secret, maybe her people knew about it and when she died they put them together… yes, it must be, quite nice actually, it shows her people cared about them.

Anyway, the Crown is made of shells, not jewels.

Apparently her man kept giving her one of these beautiful red shells every day until the day she accepted him and the shells became her crown.

It looks more like a wig than a crown, but it’s all very metaphorical. The only treasure was their love.

Abigail of course is furious that he spent so much time and money and effort and all for nothing, so he wants to leave them there to die.

They have a bit of help fro, Abigail’s last man there and manage to escape.

The three of them are rescued by Beth, Loretta’s publicist come to save her.

Fairfax tries to escape but he’s stopped. We’re led to believe that he’ll be arrested… yeah, right.

So, everything ends well, her next book is about this adventure of course, and she’s now with Alan. The end.

…

They should have kept the adventure and removed all the unnecessary, unrelated speeches that were so forced they were annoying instead of funny.

p.s. At the end we see that Jack Trainer is still alive, because humans only use 10% of his brain, so… and I did not laugh myself silly at that, but someone actually did :D

Loretta Sage - Sandra Bullock

Alan - Channing Tatum

Abigail - Daniel Radcliff

Jack Trainer - Brad Pitt