Cosmopolis – stay away, trust me

Boring, oh so boring, the void, 1h40mins of absolute emptiness…

The only reason to watch this movie is if you’re such a big fan of Robert Pattinson that you’re happy just by looking at him for 100 minutes without listening to a word they’re saying. You should hit the mute, and just look at him. If this is enough for you, than you might enjoy the movie. Otherwise: stay away, if someone says “we could watch Cosmop..” you run, run as fast as you can.

I was curious, so I watched it. There’s nothing in it, if I don’t have to pay I watch a lot of different stuff, out of curiosity. This one, I will never watch again, not even for 5 seconds. Oh the horror!

You want the plot? Pattinson is rich and powerful, and is driven to the other side of town to have his hair cut. It takes an aweful lot of time, so he does everything in the car (it’s a limousine after all, enough room to live in it): he talks to people about politics and money, have occasional sex, even his physical exam happens in the car. Just embarrassing. Then again there’s talking about money, the spectre of capitalism, the illusion of a future… kill me, please. Be kind.

He gets out of the car only two or three time, to eat while talking about sex in a very annoying way to the girl that already regrets having married him, and to have sex with a female bodyguard, only because they needed more space than what you can have in a car (even a limousine) to show a naked woman standing,  just for the sake of it, absolutely no plot reason at all. They probably thought all the girls would be drooling watching Pattinson, so they needed something interesting for the men…

After ten minutes I already wanted to stop, but I thought: it can’t be all like this, so I kept watching, and I was right, it got even worse…  Apparently he was very shaken because the genius that he is actually made an investment mistake, although I didn’t get this until the end when they said it clearly. I didn’t see any kind of emotion on his face, none at all, but it turned out he was so terribly shaken to lose his mind, to the point that he killed his own bodyguard and then went to the house of the man that threatened to kill him, just to talk. Of course, logical ending. Obvious that he should guess where that man was, and chose him to talk to.  (???)

Again, they talk, a lot. I was there thinking: you guy, you wanted to kill him, now he’s right here, what are you waiting for???

We don’t even get to see it. We hear a shot at the very end, and that’s it. We don’t see, we don’t know, we can only hope.

The best thing of the entire film was when the final credits started 6 minutes from the end. Long credits: good! They should have been longer, like 1h30 min at least. That would have been much more interesting.